I finally got my wordpress sorted out... so I'm moving over there. :p
http://ersigh.wordpress.com
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Goals
I created this blog so that I have an environment where I can explore my life and get to know myself again... connecting the person I've always been with the newer parts of myself... and I suppose reconciling too.
I'm not exactly sure how I will go about doing all that but I feel the need to set goals for myself. One of my goals is to get back into writing. I have no intention of giving up my journaling, that is mostly stream of consciousness, but I would like to get better at exploring subjects.
Over the years I have become lazy which means I think about things quite a bit but I do not share even the top surface of my thoughts with others. Generally, this is probably a good thing but on occasion I will get into a conversation and I realize I have something more to say.
I've been through a lot in the past few years and I've internalized pretty much all of it. Recently, my life has been changing very quickly after a long period of stagnation and I feel compelled to explore it, really stay alert and aware of what's going on so that I can get the most out of it.
I need to move through everything I've internalized in order to get past it and while I do not plan on going on and on about all that, I do think that there is an opportunity for me to better understand myself now through analyzing my collection of stuffed emotions and thoughts.
I only have a few ideas on what I want to write about right now. I'm not really focused on the subjects so much as simply writing so it will be interesting, for me at least, to see what I do with this.
The only other goal I have attached to this space right now is that I will always post a photo. It doesn't have to be related to the post. It simply has to be a photo that I enjoy. I have lost interest in photography. I am not trying to regain that interest so much as regain some appreciation for the things that inspire me to look. Since I'm not that interested in my camera right now, why not look to the photos I've taken and neglected all these years?
I'm not exactly sure how I will go about doing all that but I feel the need to set goals for myself. One of my goals is to get back into writing. I have no intention of giving up my journaling, that is mostly stream of consciousness, but I would like to get better at exploring subjects.
Over the years I have become lazy which means I think about things quite a bit but I do not share even the top surface of my thoughts with others. Generally, this is probably a good thing but on occasion I will get into a conversation and I realize I have something more to say.
I've been through a lot in the past few years and I've internalized pretty much all of it. Recently, my life has been changing very quickly after a long period of stagnation and I feel compelled to explore it, really stay alert and aware of what's going on so that I can get the most out of it.
I need to move through everything I've internalized in order to get past it and while I do not plan on going on and on about all that, I do think that there is an opportunity for me to better understand myself now through analyzing my collection of stuffed emotions and thoughts.
I only have a few ideas on what I want to write about right now. I'm not really focused on the subjects so much as simply writing so it will be interesting, for me at least, to see what I do with this.
The only other goal I have attached to this space right now is that I will always post a photo. It doesn't have to be related to the post. It simply has to be a photo that I enjoy. I have lost interest in photography. I am not trying to regain that interest so much as regain some appreciation for the things that inspire me to look. Since I'm not that interested in my camera right now, why not look to the photos I've taken and neglected all these years?
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Expectation: Integrity
Anyone with a well-formed sense of self is going to have at least a basic set of expectations that they hold the people in their lives to. What are some of yours?
The biggest one for me is integrity. As attracted as I am to geeks* and people I share common interests with... I have found that I get along with people with integrity pretty well no matter how different we are. I find that when I'm around people who inspire respect in me that I feel energized. I'm not sure if this signifies anything or if this is a normal aspect of human interaction.
I've been thinking about this word lately and trying to decide what it means to me (beyond the dictionary definition) and what I think defines integrity in a person.
Broken down into simple terms integrity means to me:
1) Strong sense of morality based in reality
2) Intellectual honesty
3) Emotional honesty
I'm not sure that #2 and #3 are individual things because I think that you can not have one without the other but I think that both are under recognized as important skill sets. And skill sets they are. I think that we are born emotionally honest but that is quickly swept beneath the rug of social pressure. Intellectually honesty, I suspect, is not inherent (except perhaps for those with Aspergers). I do wonder what role emotional withholding plays in intellectual dishonesty.
I see intellectual and emotional honesty as being the foundations for #1. Without emotional honesty to some degree empathy can not exist and without empathy morals exist only through dictation.
And before you disagree... think about it for awhile. Look at our culture that castrates males emotionally from the moment they leave the womb, disregarding the healthier emotions as "feminine", leaving many males without the freedom to express or feel empathy which breeds unrecognized resentment and allows for all sorts of behaviors from people who are not sociopaths but end up functioning like they are (one word: rape) because they are emotionally broken.
I was doing some reading while putting my books away the other night and it spurred me to do some browsing and see what's out on the web on these subjects. I find that every year or three that it's worthwhile to take a look at how certain ideas have evolved. I found a few sites that have some good things on them and rather than take a bunch of time to type up what they've already said better than I'd say it... I thought I'd just share snippets.
Taken from this site (http://www.therapyideas.net/emotional.htm)... specifically the section, "Emotional Honesty Requires Understanding More About Anger and a Willingness to Repair"
One of the most challenging things that I've been working on is my tendency to withhold the things that are bothering me until I'm overfull of frustration. Over the years I have taught myself to speak up before I'm angry. I find that those conversations go pretty well and as a result I am no longer nearly as anxious when I assert myself.
I still have moments when I end up being more passive than I should be but in situations where it really matters, and I know that I'm not putting myself into a potentially abusive situation, I generally can say what I need to without ever feeling that defensive flare up of anger.
Another benefit of this adjustment in myself is that I set good examples for my son and for others. I end up having healthy, constructive conversations that build trust and respect with the people in all areas of my life with zero drama.
Emotional honesty is complicated. There's a whole sub-routine required in order to figure out the correct time, way, place, etc, etc to express oneself. And it's not about necessarily whether or not I'm going to hurt someones feelings. It's also whether or not they'll be able to hear what I'm saying.
I feel very strongly that if I say something in a non-abusive, honest and direct way and a person responds badly that their response is not my responsibility. That doesn't mean I won't empathize but other people's anger and defensiveness isn't my fault. My feelings do not get hurt very often but when they do I own up to them. I know that my feelings are mine. Even if someone is abusive towards me, everything I do in response... I own. This is not a gray area. After all, if we all take responsibility for our actions and reactions then hurt feelings will be acknowledged pretty much by default.
The majority of the relationships in my life right now actually function in this way. It is something that I am supremely proud of because I have been pushing to grow and learn in ways that would allow me to attract people into my life that would allow me to create healthy emotional environments. That's not to say that there aren't flared emotions but that they do not become exaggerated. Freedom is given on both sides for expression and processing.
One area of emotional honesty that is often ignored is the individual's honesty with their self. It's all fine and great to tell people how you feel but what's the point if you don't have a strong grasp of why you are feeling what you are. Obviously this isn't all that relevant if we're talking about minor things but many of the larger issues often stem from other issues that people actively avoid. I consider that avoidance a form of emotional dishonesty.
There are so many potential ramifications to that sort of internal disconnect. It's really no wonder that so many people talk complete and total bullshit in social situations and use ego and force rather than reason to maneuver through challenging conversations. Some people respond well to those sorts of interactions but, for me, it's a total turn off. I just tune out and add a check to that person's name in my head as someone I don't want around.
Intellectual honesty is much easier to implement as there's no bad time/place for it. I do think that it's role in personal relationships (versus the academic world) is undervalued. I also think that our schools undermine our children building that particular skill set... well, okay, I think our schools undermine our children learning how to learn.
Taken from this site: http://www.liberalrevolt.com/article/the-10-signs-of-intellectual-honesty (which I did not dig through so don't attach me to the name of it). I quite like their breakdown on intellectual honesty as well as their explanations for each.
The biggest one for me is integrity. As attracted as I am to geeks* and people I share common interests with... I have found that I get along with people with integrity pretty well no matter how different we are. I find that when I'm around people who inspire respect in me that I feel energized. I'm not sure if this signifies anything or if this is a normal aspect of human interaction.
* Real geeks, not people into non-geeky things who call themselves geeks because they're WAY into that non-geeky thing.
I've been thinking about this word lately and trying to decide what it means to me (beyond the dictionary definition) and what I think defines integrity in a person.
Broken down into simple terms integrity means to me:
1) Strong sense of morality based in reality
2) Intellectual honesty
3) Emotional honesty
I'm not sure that #2 and #3 are individual things because I think that you can not have one without the other but I think that both are under recognized as important skill sets. And skill sets they are. I think that we are born emotionally honest but that is quickly swept beneath the rug of social pressure. Intellectually honesty, I suspect, is not inherent (except perhaps for those with Aspergers). I do wonder what role emotional withholding plays in intellectual dishonesty.
I see intellectual and emotional honesty as being the foundations for #1. Without emotional honesty to some degree empathy can not exist and without empathy morals exist only through dictation.
And before you disagree... think about it for awhile. Look at our culture that castrates males emotionally from the moment they leave the womb, disregarding the healthier emotions as "feminine", leaving many males without the freedom to express or feel empathy which breeds unrecognized resentment and allows for all sorts of behaviors from people who are not sociopaths but end up functioning like they are (one word: rape) because they are emotionally broken.
I was doing some reading while putting my books away the other night and it spurred me to do some browsing and see what's out on the web on these subjects. I find that every year or three that it's worthwhile to take a look at how certain ideas have evolved. I found a few sites that have some good things on them and rather than take a bunch of time to type up what they've already said better than I'd say it... I thought I'd just share snippets.
Taken from this site (http://www.therapyideas.net/emotional.htm)... specifically the section, "Emotional Honesty Requires Understanding More About Anger and a Willingness to Repair"
Anger is a much maligned emotion, because most people go from silence to intense outrage. Speaking more authentically, describing hurts and wants in smaller doses is not the norm. In our culture, people go from 0 to 60, collecting enough gripes until they are ready to be cashed in.
One of the most challenging things that I've been working on is my tendency to withhold the things that are bothering me until I'm overfull of frustration. Over the years I have taught myself to speak up before I'm angry. I find that those conversations go pretty well and as a result I am no longer nearly as anxious when I assert myself.
I still have moments when I end up being more passive than I should be but in situations where it really matters, and I know that I'm not putting myself into a potentially abusive situation, I generally can say what I need to without ever feeling that defensive flare up of anger.
Another benefit of this adjustment in myself is that I set good examples for my son and for others. I end up having healthy, constructive conversations that build trust and respect with the people in all areas of my life with zero drama.
Emotional honesty is complicated. There's a whole sub-routine required in order to figure out the correct time, way, place, etc, etc to express oneself. And it's not about necessarily whether or not I'm going to hurt someones feelings. It's also whether or not they'll be able to hear what I'm saying.
I feel very strongly that if I say something in a non-abusive, honest and direct way and a person responds badly that their response is not my responsibility. That doesn't mean I won't empathize but other people's anger and defensiveness isn't my fault. My feelings do not get hurt very often but when they do I own up to them. I know that my feelings are mine. Even if someone is abusive towards me, everything I do in response... I own. This is not a gray area. After all, if we all take responsibility for our actions and reactions then hurt feelings will be acknowledged pretty much by default.
The majority of the relationships in my life right now actually function in this way. It is something that I am supremely proud of because I have been pushing to grow and learn in ways that would allow me to attract people into my life that would allow me to create healthy emotional environments. That's not to say that there aren't flared emotions but that they do not become exaggerated. Freedom is given on both sides for expression and processing.
One area of emotional honesty that is often ignored is the individual's honesty with their self. It's all fine and great to tell people how you feel but what's the point if you don't have a strong grasp of why you are feeling what you are. Obviously this isn't all that relevant if we're talking about minor things but many of the larger issues often stem from other issues that people actively avoid. I consider that avoidance a form of emotional dishonesty.
There are so many potential ramifications to that sort of internal disconnect. It's really no wonder that so many people talk complete and total bullshit in social situations and use ego and force rather than reason to maneuver through challenging conversations. Some people respond well to those sorts of interactions but, for me, it's a total turn off. I just tune out and add a check to that person's name in my head as someone I don't want around.
Intellectual honesty is much easier to implement as there's no bad time/place for it. I do think that it's role in personal relationships (versus the academic world) is undervalued. I also think that our schools undermine our children building that particular skill set... well, okay, I think our schools undermine our children learning how to learn.
Taken from this site: http://www.liberalrevolt.com/article/the-10-signs-of-intellectual-honesty (which I did not dig through so don't attach me to the name of it). I quite like their breakdown on intellectual honesty as well as their explanations for each.
1. Do not overstate the power of your argument.
2. Show a willingness to publicly acknowledge that reasonable alternative viewpoints exist.
3. Be willing to publicly acknowledge and question one’s own assumptions and biases.
4. Be willing to publicly acknowledge where your argument is weak.
5. Be willing to publicly acknowledge when you are wrong.
6. Demonstrate consistency.
7. Address the argument instead of attacking the person making the argument.
8. When addressing an argument, do not misrepresent it.
9. Show a commitment to critical thinking.
10.Be willing to publicly acknowledge when a point or criticism is good.
This is an area that in some areas I've always been good at and other areas... not so much. Since my son has moved back in with me, I find that my habits have changed a lot for the better.
Since my son moved in last year I have become more patient in all areas of my life. I want to set a good example and I want him to feel safe to talk to me about anything and everything so, even when he says something that makes me feel defensive, I take the time to think about what he said. Sometimes I slip and I react before I think but I own up to that reaction and explain myself (I do not apologize unless I've hurt his feelings) so that he understands it and can accurately empathize with me in that situation.
It is very challenging but I have to say that it is one of the most satisfying things I've put a lot of effort into in my life. I know that the benefits to both of us within our relationship make it worthwhile and I take immense pride knowing that I'm aiding in the addition of another person with integrity to our society.
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